Little Red Riding Lily

  The sun shone brightly through the twisted trees, splattering flecks of yellow light upon the carpet of leaves which lay in clumps of gold, orange and red - their twisted parents having shaken off their burden in time for the winter onslaught.

  Lily Chavley – a young village girl hailing from the village of Happy Slappin skipped through the leaves, her red hair peeking out from behind her scarlet hoodie.  She was a spirited girl and had many admirers, mostly unsuitable, always lecherous and forever asking her to marry them.  With the proposals came gifts and because Lily came from a long line of opportunists, she accepted the presents with a smile before telling would-be suitors to ‘bugger off’ and so it was that Lily skipped through the enchanted woodland young, single and well off.

  She was off to visit her ailing grandmother, Trixy – a showgirl from years gone by.  She used to be legend in the village as a woman of the world – always had a smile on her face, always the life and soul of the party, always horizontal.  Because of her giving nature she was immortalized with the nickname: ‘The Slappin Slapper’ and Lily was very fond of her.  Trixy had long since grown into her wrinkled shell and was still horizontal, although this was due to rheumatism and a bad back.  She lay in her bed day after day relating her past exploits to anyone who would listen.  She had few visitors.   

  Nowadays, Trixy was known as The Happy Walnut on account that she had accumulated wealth beyond the imaginings of lesser mortals and that beneath her pruned and ancient exterior, she was still a tough nut to crack.  She had lost the use of her legs for some years, and relied on young Lily to bring her simple earthy food that beset her upbringing – and sherry, which she always insisted should come top of the list, ‘Bring parsnips if you so wish, but never forget the sherry.  It’s medicinal, you know’ she had repeatedly told her granddaughter.  And so Lily pushed through the enchanted forest with a basket of bread, fruit, parsnips and a bottle of sherry.

  Near to a crooked tree, known for miles around as ‘Berkley the well endowed’ owing to a well placed branch, Lily took her rest.  She pulled down her hood and leaned against the rugged trunk, fishing in the basket for an apple that her grandmother wouldn’t be interested in anyway.  She bit into the fruit and was thoroughly enjoying its moistness when she heard a low growl behind the tree.  Cautiously she peeked around its girth, and cried out in alarm.  Standing behind Berkley and wearing a predatory grin was a large wolf with lank, greasy black fur and sharp yellow teeth.

  ‘Who are you?’ asked Lily, fully confident that the wolf could speak.

  ‘My name is Snapper the Moste Severe – Demon wolf of the woodlands and Destroyer of Innocence’ he replied, cocking one fluffy dark eyebrow at the girl.

  Lily stared at him, her forehead scrunched in concentration. ‘Oh, I’ve heard about you, I think, but Dordy Dumbles calls you Snapper the Moste Irritating.’

  ‘Tis a lie!  I am Snapper the Moste Severe.  Do not listen to that wretched old soul – he is but a cretin.’

  ‘He is not a cretin, he is a landlord and his words are always truthful and wise.’

  ‘So say you’

  ‘I do so say! Let us not speak of the old man in such a hurtful fashion, for you are a wolf and I do not care for your manner.’

  ‘You wound me with your unkind words.  Yes, I am but a lowly wolf.  I have hair of the blackest nights and teeth as sharp as your tongue, but I like you, have a heart.’

  ‘Tell me, wolf, what does your heart tell you, for I have heard that you have no heart and that you eat people?’

  ‘My heart does not give its secrets so easy, my flame haired sprite, but I am hungry …of that you should have no doubt.’ Snapper licked his lips and gazed into Lily’s emerald eyes.

  Lily was concerned.  She had been told by her parents never to stop and speak to strange wolves in the wood, for they were sneaky bastards that gave you fleas.   She regarded the wolf for a moment and said, ‘If you are hungry you will accept this parsnip and let me on my way’

  The wolf looked with disgust at the horrifically shaped vegetable, before sneering at the young girl.

  ‘I do not eat parsnips for they are not meat and I only eat meat.’

  ‘Oh!’ replied Lily ‘I think I may have some chicken drumsticks in here.’

  ‘No!’ cried the wolf ‘I only eat red meat.’ He pursed his wide lips and looked the girl up and down.

  ‘I get it’ Lily sighed ‘Yeah, yeah, I have red hair and I’m meaty.  I’m not stupid; I can see what you’re getting at.’

  ‘No word passed my mouth to say you were stupid…naïve, perhaps.’

  ‘Big nosed git’ muttered Lily.

  ‘And you seemed such a nice girl’ grinned the wolf.

  ‘Now who’s being naïve?’ replied Lily, coquettishly twisting a strand of red hair around her finger.

  ‘You play with my heart, young lady, but I have no desire to eat you.  Not here, not now’ growled Snapper.

  ‘Oh’ said a despondent Lily. ‘So what do you want then?’

  ‘You assume I am after something other than your friendship or your parsnips?’

  ‘You wish to be my friend wolf?’

  ‘Of course, and please, call me Snapper’

  ‘Fine, I’m very pleased to make your acquaintance er – Snapper.’ Lily curtseyed, the wolf bowed low.

  ‘Where are you off to, young Lily?  Maybe I can show you the way?’ asked the wolf with a grin.

  ‘I am off to deliver this basket to my frail grandmother and you need not show me the way.  She lives but half a mile from here, in a cottage between two great Oaks, just past the blackberry bushes and to the left’ replied Lily cheerfully.

  ‘I see.  Could you draw me a map?’

  ‘Certainly!’


  Lily shuffled on through the leaves toward her grandmother’s house.  She quickened her pace as it was getting dark and Sir Ius the Hotte was waiting her return complete with expensive gift.   She reached the cottage and was surprised to see the front door slightly ajar.  Cautiously she stepped in and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her grandmother sitting up in bed, wearing a hair net and clad in racy nightwear.

  ‘Grandmother Trixy, you are looking…’ Lily paused and squinted at the frail old woman.  She looked hairy – very hairy ‘…well’ she finished.

  Trixy gave a curt nod and beckoned Lily to her side.  She sat on the edge of the King size bed and stared at the old woman. ‘My! Grandmother…What long fingers you have!’

  ‘All the better to remove ear wax with, my dear’ growled Trixy, grabbing her granddaughter and holding her close.  Lily pushed away quickly.

  ‘Grandmother, what sharp yellow teeth you have!’ cried Lily.

  ‘They’re naturally yellow you know…strong.’

  ‘I see. My! What a big nose you have!’

  ‘Lily, I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times…it’s genetic.  Get over it!’

  ‘Sorry Grandmother.’

  Trixy sighed and glared hard at Lily ‘I don’t need you prancing in here telling me that I have yellow teeth and a big nose.  I’ve already had enough agro tonight to last me a lifetime, what with that bloody wolf coming in here, giving it ‘all that’ and trying to gobble me up.’

  Lily frowned and heard a pained groaning seeping out of the wardrobe in the corner.

  ‘That’ll teach him to mess with a woman with a solid silver bedpan’ she said smugly. ‘Oh by the way, I’d like you to meet Jameson the Myopic.  He provides me with firewood – he has a very big chopper.’ Trixy winked at Lily and lay back onto her pillow, watching with pride as her granddaughter seduced the hapless but muscular James with a few well chosen stories and a glass of her grandmother’s sherry.

  Snapper remained trapped in the wardrobe, cursing the mean hand of fate and pining over the loss of lily.  He could have shared a bed with her!  In a pitiful state he howled and thrashed around in the wardrobe until he discovered a door at the back which gave way to a snowy land, full of promise and strange half-men with horns and flutes.   Snapper perked up a bit and decided to leave his old life for a new - albeit colder - one.  There was hope still; after all, it was only a fairy tale.

The End.